Domestic Violence: Recognizing the difference between being mean and being abusive

A comedy blog is not always the best forum for every topic...  Like this one.  Just a heads up, this particular article may make you smile, cry, or seek therapy.  This topic is sensitive for lots of people.

Domestic violence is a topic that tends to get a strong response.  So many survivors walk past us every day and we may not even realize their pain because the scars are invisible.  Society has learned about this topic in leaps and bounds, particularly over the last 30 years, so now loads of help is available to those who need it to escape a bad situation or deal with the aftermath.  Before I even begin here I think it bears saying that if you feel that you are being abused you should seek help immediately, not read articles online to figure out if you are right.  Seriously, stop reading, get in your car, and go to your local police department or shelter.  In fact, so many people want to help you that you could probably stop at the gas station and they will dial the number for you.

I will laugh when they slap the cuffs on.......

Still reading?  Okay, so on with it.  In relationships people go through a lot.  We have differences, we deal with stress, daddy issues, money trouble, passionate emotions, etc.  No one can smile all the time and if they do you should probably run from that delusional fucker anyway just because insanity isn't cute on anyone.  I have never met someone who didn't have bad days or even bad weeks.  Even with someone who loves and trusts you it isn't practical to expect them to explain their every emotion.  In fact, they may not even fully understand what is bothering them.  While some domestic violence or abuse is easily identified as way over the line, that isn't always the case.  How do you know when hurtful words count as abuse?

1.  How hurt are you?

Lots of words hurt.  Over time you have good odds that you will both say something that hurts the other and odds are good that you or they meant for it to hurt.  Words can never be taken back, so if this is happening too often that damage builds up.  A good place to start is to ask yourself how much it hurts.  Some abuse can be subjective.  While not everyone might consider the same things abusive, if you feel like it is wrong then it is time to cut and run.

2. How often does this happen?

While every couple that I know has a fight from time to time, it shouldn't be all the time.  If the bad times come sooner and last longer than the good times all of those little jabs and comments that don't sting that much on their own build up and together can really pack a punch.  During stressful times like a move or a financial crisis we may fight more, but when you start fighting over every day obstacles like dinner or doing laundry it is wise to be careful.

3. How surprised are you?

Cruelty should never be expected.  If you wake up every day and aren't surprised by nasty comments or other people seem surprised when you aren't that is a strong warning sign that the relationship isn't all that healthy.

Sooooooo.....  What now?

Even though verbal or emotional abuse can be hard to pin down, it leaves scars that run deep and may not ever heal.  As with any abuse it is vital that we get out.  Abuse can escalate quickly and once that happens it may only get harder to leave.  Spotting early signs can give us the courage and strength that we need to get out early.